Empty Barrels

22 Aug

I’m having a hard time connecting. As simple as that sentence is to utter, the thoughts and emotions behind it are anything but orderly.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of wanting intimate, true connections with life—with my friends, my passions, and my loved ones—and having my efforts and my wishes fall flat. I’m also physically tired, as if no amount of caffeine or determination can rouse my body.

I can be a vibrant, powerful person as long as my “tank” (the reservoir of love, energy, motivation, and ideas that propel me through my lives) is full. But for some reason that tank is slowly evaporating. I’m bent over the lip of this tank—this barrel of resources—scooping at the seams where the last moisture resides and slurping at air just to feel sustained. I need to be filled up. But where do I go?

I can’t really call myself “depressed,” though I suppose some might classify it as such. I can’t say I’m sad; my life is going well, and although I have some worries, I should not complain for a moment. I’m so blessed, so able, and best of all: I am loved. I wish that singular Truth would get through my thick skull and satisfy me. But here I am, asking, quite selfishly, for more. But what do I desire? Do I need to have deep conversations? Do I need physical touch? Am I lacking intellectual stimulation? Do I need more outside affirmation? I want the joy of life to occur without outside effort (why put others to work at fixing your heart?), so I sincerely think the issues are basically internal.I can’t blame anyone else for my lack of motivation, absence of thrill, and seemingly endless supply of isolation.

So here I am, baring what’s actually going on inside to people who doesn’t even know who I am. I suppose I could post this in my RL blog, but I tend to keep things private there, too.

How does an extrovert become so internalized?

I will tear myself away from this heavy funk, put on my dancing shoes, and find a way back to the music in no time. Thema will be Thema! I’m sure of it.

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14 Responses to “Empty Barrels”

  1. Solo and loved in one breath too. August 22, 2008 at 4:11 pm #

    I dont know if this will help or not really, but you certainly arent alone.

  2. Nyx August 22, 2008 at 5:32 pm #

    For some reason your post ‘touched’ me. I recall a time, that EVERYTHING was going my way in RL. (if this is RL we are talking about) I had (and still do have) EVERYTHING a gal could wish for, a wonderul hubby of many years, healthy happy and well behaved children and a nice job. And best of all my dream of owning my own home was comming true. But I could have cared less. I was unhappy and depressed as hell. No horrid event had taken place to explain my feelings. I just was miserable. I wallowed in my misery for a long time before I realized that this was NOT an OK way to be. I finally started looking into depression sites on-line as well as seeing our family Dr. Thank god I did! You have no idea what magic one little pill can do for a person. Yup I mean anti-depressants. I was loathe to be ‘one of those weakminded fools’ but I’m glad I stopped thinking I was better than others’ and could deal w/ these insane feelings on my own. Beacuse I couldn’t. Oh and as a side note…..have your thyroid checked. That plays a huge part in energy levels and stuff too.

  3. Thema Felix August 22, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    @Solo: you definitely have my hugs. Thank you.

    @Nyx: thanks for relating your own experience as well. I was diagnosed with depression years ago, and have had my bouts with it, off and on again. They’re mainly triggered by stress, but perhaps a new trigger is out there to be found.

  4. IsabellaGrace Baroque August 22, 2008 at 10:04 pm #

    *tries to pounce on you but your short ass pounces on me instead and looks questionably inappropriate*
    Ok, but seriously, *hugs*. The are absolutely right, you are not alone. In fact, even if this isn’t the depression your used to it is worth looking into. I’ve sort of been in the same boat with no reason to feel down presented itself and after some counseling, it turns out I was internalizing a lot that had built up. But you know what? The good news is you are aware that something is off and accepting that as reality and not trying to ignore it. You are listening to yourself and that is so important.
    Just in case you needed to hear it, you ARE so loved. I know you say you know that, but really you are! I’ve only known you a short time, and the virtual version *harhar*, yet you have quickly become one of my favorite people. You’re an honest, sincere, sweet and genuine person who isn’t afraid to show how much you care about others and doesn’t take herself too seriously. So pretty much, you are made of a lil thing I like to call awesome. Hopefully you know that soon for yourself because I can only imagine the love you have in “real” life.
    Thanks for sharing this with us, it may be “anonymous” behind an avatar, but that doesn’t make the feelings any less raw. I heart you somethin fearce woman and an always here if you need an ear! Even if it’s just a ranting flickrmail or private plurk or another addiction we need a meeting for, hehe. <<<<33333!!!!!!! (oh yea, and balls)

  5. IsabellaGrace Baroque August 22, 2008 at 10:06 pm #

    Could I use quotes any more in a comment? Srsly I can see myself making air quotes over and over and I have to roll my eyes. Sorry! hehe

  6. Jhuzen Ketsugo August 22, 2008 at 10:31 pm #

    Thema,

    Sometimes what leaves us weary is not anything that is wrong with our own lives per se, but rather the ugliness we see in the world around us. We have the tragedies of the world laid upon our doorsteps every day, like it or not. We see cruelty, and inhumanity, and we see tradgedy that no one can prevent. I takes from us our hope, it maked us wonder what we are doing trying to keep our heads above water when the current seems determined to pull us under.

    We face this is our real lives, and I think when you add to that the same sort of stressors in our second lives, very few can keep from falling into this same emotionally barren place. Anyone with proper feeling, with a conscience, with a tender heart, with a moral compass will feel this way, you are not alone, but we all must go thru this alone in our own way.

    Finding someone to talk to may help, taking a break from trying to live two lives well, instead of one like the rest of the world might help. The fancy name is existential angst, but it really means comming to terms with the things that are and are not within our control, and choosing to do the best we can with what we have been given. No one is perfect all of the time, practice does not make perfect, it makes better.

    I find sometimes, that is is the people I associate with that can be the most draining. Some people are toxic, others silently suck the energy we have from us with their negativity. Put them in a bottle, litterally picture them inside a bottle like a poison, and choose not to drink that poison. Don’t let anyone take away from you what you have worked so hard to build, your little reservoir in your barrel.

    ~ Ketsy

  7. Belochka August 22, 2008 at 11:02 pm #

    Whilst I can’t match the wise and heartfelt expressions that Jhuzen, IsabellaGrace,Nyx and Solo have given here I will say *hugs* first. One thought: when you are running on empty, don’t feel obligated to “find a face to meet a face”. Sometimes casting yourself into a cheery role you do not feel can turn it around and bring back the bounce, the flipside it can also drain when you aren’t refreshed enough. You are a smart and intuitive lady and you’ll move through this but in your own time. *Sends more hugs and good wishes*

  8. Thema Felix August 22, 2008 at 11:13 pm #

    I’m blessed to have thoughtful people like you all take the time to help me see new perspectives ona ll of this. It’s so valuable to me! So thank you, all of you. I am certainly considering everything said 🙂

  9. Tuli August 23, 2008 at 6:06 am #

    Your post made me cry because it’s exactly how I have been feeling for a long time. Sometimes it’s just good to know you are not alone in this. *hugs*

  10. Solo and loved in one breath too. August 23, 2008 at 9:03 am #

    (hugs back) 🙂

    Your note struck a heavy chord with me as its something I have struggled with, in SL particularly, for a very long time.

    I think often, how funny it is, that SecondLife is this great big world, filled with people going about their business, forming friendships, creating such a diverse place… It is, at its core, one huge social platform.
    Yet for some of us, connecting with other people and forming bonds can be so daunting. The few people I am close to in SL are workaholic creators like myself. We hermit up and isolate ourselves and rarely leave our workspaces. Its a very sad thing… seeing it there in writing and realizing that the noose is self-inflicted.
    Where does one even meet people anyway? Other than standing in a club and being plagued by the -HOO!~’s ?
    For me, my rl is a full one. My SL however, could certainly use some enrichment.

    Thank you for your post. You have been able to give voice to something I couldnt have on my own. It’s good to know that I’m not alone out here 🙂

  11. Thema Felix August 23, 2008 at 3:32 pm #

    *hugs Tuli warmly* Awww… you don’t need to feel alone at all.

    Solo: Some things I’ve found helpful for meeting new people are outside points of contact besides just in-world meetings. For instance, Flickr and Plurk have helped me make acquaintances I wouldn’t have normally had the guts or the opportunity to make. When I can say to someone, “Hey, it’s Thema from Plurk. I saw you were in world!” it’s a lot easier to get things going than trying to find the one person in the club who isn’t begging for booty, for example 😉

    I seem to have trouble feeling close to people. Acquaintances happen, but how does a real, intimate friendship occur in SL? I think it’s the deeper, more meaningful interactions that I’ve been aching for. And perhaps I’m looking at SL for help because I’m also aching for them in RL too.

    Thanks for your response! I’d love to meet you, by the way. Hint! hehe.

  12. hatoreyna August 23, 2008 at 5:07 pm #

    Sorry for appearing from nowhere…but i couldn´t read this post and do not comment 🙂 you see…i felt exactly the same a month ago. Altough my life was all i could wish for, something wasn’t right…like if i had a hole on my feet that kept swalling me sec by sec… I could see myself swalloed and hadn´t the strenght to keep me out of there.. So i made a decision: to fight back!! And let me tell you that mind is a powerfull place 🙂
    Words are easier to say but acts are hard to be done…I know, i’ve been in that place too. Just keep yourself surrounded by everything that can fulfill your “reservoir” with good things so that your strenght can become powerfull and make you shinning again :))
    …And if you need anything dont trouble to ask: even a stranger can be a part of a reservoir :)) Best wishes for you 🙂

  13. AlterEgoTrip Svenska August 28, 2008 at 2:06 am #

    I think when it comes to living.. being creative and other things.. we always expect to be in control of the situation.. until it comes out or our hands.. as it should once in a while to give an understanding that we as human beings, as extroverted or as introverted we can be.. there is always room to look at things with different eyes and the universe has funny little tricks to do that to people.. the results are really often just a shaking up of situations.. or a different perspective, but if you accept that mission.. (did I mention its a mission???) its much easier if you arn’t so hard on yourself or your expectations of a life played by a younger version of yourself.. know what I mean?

    Sometimes I think the worst we can do is EXPECT too much from ourselves in a place of transition and the problem is, no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be change, for good or bad.. the trick is to feel comfortable about who you are and not hard on a change of energy or of attitude.. now if I could only listen to myself about that, considering I have gone through some very hard physical situtations where I have to be more tolerant with myself as I have had to relearn very many things and often feel frustrated by the person I am because other people expect so much from me… (see how that works??) ah.. just fill up on the fact you are really a cool person..and a flexible mind.

  14. Elizabeth Hallstrom September 5, 2008 at 9:13 pm #

    hey i missed you. your youth touched my heart. where are you little Thema?

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